Saturday, October 16, 2010

cause I don't know who you are when you're running circles in my head;; seven

The months came and I went. Jon did come back for my birthday but it was so brief, like a wind storm or something. One moment he's in my arms, the next I'm crying at the end of my driveway yet again. I missed him. I didn't know what to be without him around.

Christmas came around and I was getting used to not having him there all the time. He did come home for two days for Christmas, but yet again, it just didn't feel right. I just knew he was out doing what he had to do. He was doing really good at it too. He loved the team, the team loved him back. He even made Team Canada for the world juniors. He was where he wanted to be. I was where I had to be.

Spring break had rolled by and Jon had a game tonight. I was stuck in Winnipeg cause my mom thought Jonny would drag me to some college party and get me drunk. Just because the kids at UND had two weeks off, the team didn't. Which sucked for the most part.

I sat in my living room with Steph as we decided on what movie we wanted to go see. We were having a hard time. Winnipeg life isn't that exciting when it's below freezing in the middle of March. As we were looking through the paper, my phone rang. It was David, Jonny's younger brother.

"Hey David."

"Ally, you better get your ass down to UND now."

"Why? Did something happen to Jon on the ice?"

"No, he got arrested last night."

My heart stopped as I searched aimlessly for the words, "What the hell do you mean, arrested?"

"Underage drinking. Photo's got leaked this morning on campus. He used his one call to phone me. He probably didn't want me telling you, but you had the right to know."

I deeply sighed as Steph intently watched me. "Well, what can I do?"

"Drive down there, chew him out. It seems like you're the only one who can get through to him."

"I seems like a stupid idea, but it can't be dumber that what he did."

"Ally. He's going crazy without you. He said it himself."

I chewed on my lower lip as I thought it over in my head, "You really think it's worth a shot?"

"I do."

"Okay, thanks David."

"No problem. Now go kick my brothers ass."

"I will." I chuckled as I hung up.

I put my hands over my face and cursed to the sky. Lovely. My boyfriend was in jail. I hadn't seen him since Christmas and he was off being reckless. Well, I wouldn't say getting drunk was restless, but, for him to do it when he's a high profiled hockey player. It just seemed stupid. Maybe cause he got caught. I don't know. I couldn't think right.

"So what did David want?"

"Steph, how do you feel about making a trip down to North Dakota?"

Monday, October 11, 2010

september saw a month of tears, and I'm thanking god that you weren't here, to see me like that;; six

-Two months later-
The night before Jonny left, we spent every moment together. We sat on the balcony of my house watching the cars drive by. I moved one of my mom's flowerpots and found my pack of cigarettes. I only did it when I was stressed or upset. I was both of those things tonight.

I lit the cigarette and exhaled the smoke into the midnight sky. I tapped the cigarette and Jonny smirked at me. He didn't like it, but he knew it wasn't a constant thing with me. As I finished, I blew out the rest of the smoke and put the butt in my pocket.

"I'm done, you can come over here."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the comfort. He draped his flannel shirt around my shoulders as I deeply sighed. This was my last night with him before he left. I couldn't believe how fast this summer flew by.

"Jon, can I ask you something?"


"Do you really believe we'll last while you're gone?"

He deeply breathed out and pulled me closer to him, "Of course I do, why do you ask that?"

"I don't know. I'm just worried that you'll see another girl on campus and wish you never made me your girlfriend."

He spun me around and looked me sternly in the eye. I felt my stomach turn, "Hey, I wouldn't think that. I really do love you and I'll make this work, if it kills me."

I chuckled and glanced at my feet, "okay, I believe you."

He just shook his head and draped his arms around me again. Suddenly a tear rolled down my cheek and hit his arm. He mirrored my sad expression as another tear fell from my eyes.

"Let's get out of here."

I nodded as we went out to his car. We took another drive around town. It already looked different. This place wasn't going to be special without him. I hated living here, but with him around, he made it special. It's just not going to shine the same when he's gone.

As we stopped at a red light, Jonny suddenly banged the steering wheel as his cheeks started to burn. I watched him intently as he mumbled something to himself before he looked at me.

"This growing up stuff, just isn't for me. I'm honestly scared to death about leaving for college. I just don't wanna let you go."
-The next morning-
Jonny stood there at the trunk of his fathers Honda Pilot, his dark eyes glowed so perfectly as the September sun hit them. He gently grabbed my hand. He held it in a matter as if it would shatter underneath his touch. My heart played hopscotch inside of my chest, and my breath got stuck in my throat. The autumn air trickled into my neck and caused me to shiver, I looked up into his angelic eyes and opened my mouth to speak.

"I can't believe you're finally leaving."

"Ally, you knew this day was gunna come."

"I know, I just didn't think it would happen this fast."

"Neither did I, but it's for the best. This year we'll be over before you know it."

I really didn't want to believe what he was saying. My heart was telling me different. I never expected this. I never thought I was gunna fall so hard for him. I was in love with him, and he knew it. I would be going into my senior year of highschool now. I couldn't wait for Graduation.

"Jonny, we gotta go. You have a practice in 6 hours." His father said as he went into the drivers side of the car.

My eyes began to well up with tears as I let out a shaky breath. The sun was slowly setting higher up into the sky as it was only 6am. The September wind was chilling me and Jonny pulled me close to his chest. I choked back on my tears and tried my hardest not to show him how much this was hurting me. But in reality, it was breaking every inch of my heart.

"Ally. I'll be home thanksgiving weekend. Your birthday falls on that weekend, I don't want to miss that for the world."

"That seems so far away."

"It won't be."

"I know. Dammit, I know that. I'm sorry. This is for your career, you have to go. I'll be fine."

He gently touched the side of my face as his eyes looked sympathetic, "I promise to phone you every chance possible."

"I'd like that."

I heard the car start and my heart sunk deeper as the tears finally poured out of me. He snaked his arms around my neck and pulled me close. I felt safe pressed against his chest. His scent tickled my nose, and the blood pulsed in my heart, causing it to beat much faster. I'll never find this with anyone else. No one made me feel like this. It was killing me to know this was it. That he had to go. I had to let him go ...

"Cmon, Jonny, let's go."

I could hear the agitation in his fathers voice, I knew this was it, "You really should go. We can't stand here forever."

"I understand. Don't forget, that I love you, no matter what."

"I love you too, Jonny."

Jonny gently pulled me from his body and gave me one of the softest, most gentle kisses on my mouth. I gripped harder onto his UND hoodie as he deepened the kiss a bit. He abruptly pulled away cause he knew, if we had the strength, we'd stand on his curb and kiss each other all day.

He broke away, and caressed my cheek with his hand. I closed my eyes and took in his touch for the last time. My face scorched a hundred degrees when he kissed my forehead. As he did that, a single tear escaped my eyes and slid down my cheek.

His hand slipped out of mine like silk as he got to the passengers side. I heard his footsteps crunch underneath the leaves, the sound echoed inside of my head as the door shut. His dad put the car in gear and they slowly rolled down the street.

I watched the car drive off into the horizon and I felt my body getting ready to collapse again. I turned around and sat on my porch. I brought my hands up to my eyes and began to sob hysterically. I missed him already.

I felt like I sat out there for hours. Watching the city wake up and get ready for their day. I stuffed my hands into my hoodie pocket and felt something cold. I fished it out and was shocked.

My hands held a gold chain that had a "#19" charm, and a hockey puck on it. I played with it in my hands. It was Jonny's lucky necklace. He wore it to every single game no matter what. I smiled and placed it on my own neck, fiddling with it every chance possible. I had a part of him with me, a part I knew would never go away.

I shivered deeper and headed back into the house. All I wanted now was a warm bed and Jonny wrapping me up in his arms. I knew I could only have one of the those things, until may.

Monday, September 20, 2010

even then we should've stayed, we ran away;; five

The whole ride back to Winnipeg was silent. It consisted of me staring out the window with my arms crossed. If he thought I was gunna jump into his arms after one kiss, he was crazy.

"Ally, look. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions like I did."


"Oh, I see how it is."

"Figured it out all on your own? GOOD JOB!"

"You like me back, admit it."

"Yeah, and you'll get a fucking lake named after you. NOT EVEN CLOSE."

The car came to screeching halt and my heart began to pound like drum inside my chest. He turned off the car and he glared at me. I didn't know how to get out of this one.

"I'm trying to be civil with you here, and you're acting fucken childish."

"Oh? I am huh?" I snorted, "Ohh, Ally, be my girlfriend cause I spontaneously kissed you in the middle of the street. GET REAL TOE-EZ"

"So this is how it's gunna be? I'm gunna have to keep chasing you until you cave?"

"Sucks when you're on the other end of it, eh?" I bitterly snapped as his facial expression dropped.

"The fuck do you mean by that?"

"Last summer, you had all the girls chasing after you and you loved it. You broke a ton of promises and more hearts."

"How do you know that?" He retorted.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I went to highschool with some of the girls? They never shut up about them. What makes you think that this time is different?"

Silence hung in the air and all I could hear was his heavy breathing. I looked over at him, the way his shirt fit snugly to his body caused my chest to tighten up. I did like him, but I wasn't going to fall over him cause of who he was.

"Cause, I really do like you. When I'm with other girls, I feel like I have to put on this persona, but with you I don't." He said as I slowly glanced over at him again, "You like sports just as much as I do, you're not afraid to speak your mind. You seem like the kind of girl that would be content with me taking you to a football game next week instead of some stupid movie neither of us care about."

"What? Was that a sneaky way of asking me out?"

"Ally, I'm trying to be civil and you're just shitting on it."

I chuckled slightly, "Okay, I'm sorry. So you really do like me?"

"Dead serious." He replied.

"What about UND?"

"It's not that far. I'll come home for Christmas, I promise."

"And I can drive down on weekends too."

"Ally, are you agreeing with me?" He smirked.

My face began to blush, "So what if I am?"

We both began to laugh uncontrollably. Our eyes never unlocked from each other.  The heat of the sun was beating onto the car and my head began to spin from the humidity. Jon leaned over the center consol and pressed his lips to mine for a mere second before my phone started to ring.

"Perfect timing." I muttered before I picked up my phone, it was Gina.


"Calm down, Jon almost got lost again."


"Whatever, just get the hell over here soon."

She hung up the phone and I laughed as Jon sent me a nasty glare. Maybe, just maybe, he was right. Maybe he isn't like all the rest.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

it's that young-girl, wide-eyed, first-love, one-time innocence;; four

After Jonny and I had our lunch, we headed back onto the road and took the right exit this time. Suddenly the lake was in our sights. The sun was beating down rapidly on everyone. We got out of the car and saw all of our friends sitting on the hoods of cars and drinking beers. Jon wrapped his arm around my waist as we found Steph.

"Oh my god, are you two together now?" She gasped.

"We're still talking about things." I replied.

"But not for long. I like her. A lot." Jon smiles as he kisses my cheek, causing Steph to squeal.

"Well Come on, Gabby and Christina are here."

"Where's Gina?"

"She couldn't make it. She's having a party at her house tonight though."

I nodded as Jon and I decided to go swimming instead. I took off my shorts and shirt and tip toed into the lake. It was freezing. I screamed as Jon scooped me up into his arms and headed out deeper into the lake. I kicked and screamed, but he didn't care.

"Jon, if you throw me into the lake, I'll kill you."

"What? You want to be thrown into the lake?"


"So am I."

It was like an arctic rush when my skin was soaked in the water. I came up for air and tackled Jon. We were both laughing so much to the point that I couldn't breathe. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him roughly. He returned the kiss as he grabbed a lock of my hair.

"Ally, will you be my girlfriend?"

"I don't know, Jon."


"Cause, you're leaving in September, and you'll be gone for 10 months again."

"But, I really like you. I think we could make it work."

"I don't want you to think. I want you to know." I sighed as he gently touched my cheek.

"Fine, Ally, I know we'll make it." There was an uncertainty to his voice, I could feel it.

"I still don't know."

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Why are you being so impatient? Give a girl a chance would you."

"Are we ever going to able to talk without a fight?" He snapped.

"I don't know, are we?"

He cursed to the sky before he sternly looked over at me, "I swear, after Gina's party, I will make you my girlfriend."

"We'll see about that."

Monday, August 30, 2010

you're like an indian summer in the middle of winter;; three

The next morning I'm sitting on my porch waiting for Jonathan to show up. I'm wearing cut off jean shorts, a zebra print bikini top and an off the shoulder black t-shirt, with my pink flip flops. My hairs in a bun on the top of my head and my eyes are covered with ray ban glasses. Still, what the hell have I got myself into? I'm letting Jonathan Toews drive me up to lake Winnipeg.

I suddenly see a silver Honda Civic slowly pull up to the curb. It's Jonny. I let out a deep breath before I head towards the car as he's getting out.

"You're late." I say before I open up the door.

"By two minutes. You know you suck at directions."

"You suck for not paying attention."

He just rolls his eyes as we get into the car. I began to play around with his iPod he has hooked up to the speakers in his car. I'm hoping to find something decent. Suddenly, I begin to smile.

"What?" He asks as his own smirk appears.

"Your iPod. You have every song that I do."

"I guess we're not so different then, eh?"

"To an extent." I reply as I put on Keith Urban.

The miles began to roll by us as we both sang to the songs. It was him first who started to sing as his eyes slowly looked over at me. I felt my heart race as I let the lyrics fall past my lips. In that moment, we were both singing like idiots at the top of our lungs, causing looks from a few cars we passed on the highway. My laughing came to a complete stop as he reached over and grabbed my hand. My skin felt like it was on fire. I bit back my innocent smile as I looked out into farmland of Manitoba, keeping a tight grip on his hand.

It felt like we were in that car for longer than we should've been. I furrowed my eyebrows as I read the map. I followed the lines with my finger, when I stopped dead in my tracks.

"You took the wrong fucking exit!"

"I did not."

"Jon, stop the fucking car."

"Don't use that tone with me."


The car came to a screeching halt. We were in some really small town. There was a diner on one side, and a gas station beside it. I took out a deep breath as I looked at the map while Jon kept quiet.

"We were supposed to take 413 ... you took 421."

"I did not!"

"Fine. I'll just go and ask someone over there where in the fuck we are!" I yell getting out of the car in a huff and running over to the other side.

"Ally, stop!"

I turned around on my heel, and started to walk back over to him. He met me in the middle of the road as I glared up at him. "Why? You don't admit that you're wrong! You're so fucking stubborn."

"We are not lost. So what? We missed a couple exits."

"A couple?" I snorted. "More like 8 exits too far. I can not wait to see your face when a local person tells us how far we've really gone. You're all the same you hockey boys. Hell, all of you men are the same. You can't admit you're wrong when it comes to directions. If you disagree with me, so help me god, I'll walk --"

I got cut off with both of his hands wrapped around my neck and his lips pressed against mine. My feet melted onto the burning pavement as my lips finally relaxed and pressed harder into his. We broke apart and his hands ran down my arms before our fingers locked together. I couldn't wipe that stupid smile off my face as I looked up at him.

"You're right. I missed eight-too-many exits. We'll turn around and take the right one. You can even drive if you want"

I shrugged, "Or we could stay here for a bit. I'm starving, and that place better serve milkshakes."

"Hmm, that sounds good. Make mine a strawberry."

"Who said I was buying you one?"

He just laughed before he kissed me again. The way it should be.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

so hysterical, this can't be healthy;; two


I looked over at my best friend Stephanie. She was flabbergasted at my news. We sat in the foot court down at the Forks - a huge market, and a tourist attraction in Winnipeg. I pushed away the rest of my chinese food as I shrugged. So what if I turned him down? Sure I liked him, but, I wasn't going to fall at his feet. That's exactly what he wanted. Plus that cocky attitude of his completely irked me.

"Stephanie, he's a jerk. I don't know what happened to him, that school changed him."

"You're insane. He's totally gorgeous, everyone wants him, and YOU turned him down!"

"You've said that 5 times already."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm getting ice cream." She replied getting up from the table.

I sat back in my chair, puffing hot air from my cheeks. I wasn't crazy for turning him down. Not in the slightest bit. He was only asking me out for the sake of having a girl on his arm. It's just the way these hockey players worked. If he really liked me, he'd be the one falling at my feet. Simple as that.

"So, I've got a proposition for you." Steph said as she sat back down with her ice cream.

"Do you even know what that word means?"

"Are you gunna listen to me or not?"

I chuckled and leaned on the table, waiting for her answer, "Okay fine."

"Jonathan and his friends are playing softball tonight. Behind St. Paul's like they always do every Friday when Jonny's back. The girls and I were going to go watch them ... you should come."

"Why would I be interested in a sotfball game?"

"Don't lie, you love baseball. I'm just saying that if you're there, and Jon sees you. Maybe he'll attempt to ask you out again."

"He likes the chase, Steph. I'm not fueling his fire."

"Maybe he doesn't want to chase you."

"Maybe you're a dumbass."


I headed home right after our lunch. Steph said if I changed my mind, she'd pick me up at 6. It was 4:30 now. I was so bored that I hit the shower, got out, did my make up, dried my hair and started to curl it.  5:30 rolled around and I was STILL curling my hair. I heard my phone ring in my bedroom, it was Steph.


"Are you coming or not?"

"I guess."

"GOOD! Cause me and Gina are outside your house right now."

"Oh fuck you guys. I'll be out in five."

I put my hair into a side ponytail to cover up the hair I didn't get to curl yet. I threw on a pair of ripped jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt, and slid my feet into my pink flip flops. I got into the car and glared at Steph, who just laughed as she put the car in gear and drove down the street. I felt nervous for some reason. I kept picking at my nail polish the closer we got to the park.

Then I saw him.

He was standing with two of his friends as the pitcher warmed up. I caught him smiling and I felt my chest tighten up. He turned around and saw me. Great.


Better talk to him now or he won't leave me alone. "Jonathan."

"So are you still thinking of my offer?"

"Not really."

"Ouch. That's cold."

"I'm sure you have other girls you can ask." I snapped as I turned on my heel and began to walk away.

"But, that's the problem." He said as he forcefully grabbed my arm, causing me to spin around and be met with his midnight like eyes.  My god those eyes. "I only like you though. Forget those other girls."


"I thought about you a lot when I was gone. I'm being serious here."

"But you're always serious. How can I believe you?"

"Do you want me to crawl over broken glass to prove it to you?"

"It'd be a start."

He threw his head back, like he was asking for help. I crossed my arms and waited for him to come back to earth.

"You're going to the Lake tomorrow, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Everyone goes there for Canada day."

"Let me drive you up there. We can talk. I'm not a bad person, Ally."

"Fine. Pick me up at 10. Do not be late."

He flashed me some smile that could've knocked me to my feet if I wasn't leaning against the fence behind home plate. I gave me him my address and he walked away. Now I wonder what the hell I got myself into.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'm just trying to find that sweet love of mine;; one

Winnipeg - Summer 2005;;
They all joked about him, they even called him the situation. He was the hottest hockey player in the city. The girls wanted him, the guys wanted to be him. Of course I was one of those stupid wide-eyed girls who adored him. It was those big brown eyes that won me over. Oh those big brown eyes.

He always joked around with me. I counted down the days till he came home for the summer. I first met him when we were both 16, which was last summer. I was at a Winnipeg Blue Bombers football game with my family when Jonny's family sat in front of us. My mother recognized his mom, and they began to speak.

I was completely lost in the game, and Jon ended up explaining some of the rules to me. Before I knew it; we were full on talking, and not caring about the game. The summer sun pelted on us and didn't help that weak feeling he gave me in the knees. We bought popcorn and pelted it at fans of the opposing team. He made me laugh till I couldn't breathe, made me smile till it hurt. It was an unforgettable day.

I saw him later that summer, at the local park playing baseball with his friends. He told he was leaving the next day to go to Shattuck St. Mary's for school and to play hockey for the year. I haven't seen him since then.

Now I fear he won't even remember me this summer.

I woke up one bright morning to my normal routine: shower, blowdry my hair, curl it, put my make up on, put my work uniform on, eat breakfast, listen to my iPod as I take the bus to work. I worked at a smoothie place in the local mall. It wasn't much, but it was a job. I made money. That's all I cared about.

It was getting close to the end of my shift when I heard the muffled noises of teenage boys. They got closer to the counter as I watched them all. Some tall, some even taller, blonde, blue eyed, and ...

That's when my heart stopped.

That's when I noticed him.

I saw those brown eyes before I saw his face. I could feel my cheeks flush a shade of red as our eyes locked. He got closer, and had this cocky smirk on his face. He wore beat up jeans and a blue jays t-shirt, his hair was a short-spikey mess on top of his head. It's been a year since I've seen him. He's grown so much. He looked like a man, not an awkward teenager anymore.

"Have we met?"

"Yeah, we met at a bombers game --"

"No, I know now." He cut in, intently staring up at me. "Ally, right?"

"Yeah. How was St. Mary's?"

"It's was great. I'm going to UND in the fall."

"That's great. Are you gunna order anything or just stare at me?"

He shook his head, as his cheeks burned from embarrassment. It made me feel a little more comfortable, knowing he was just as nervous as I was. Wait, why would he be nervous? I'm just another girl for him to flirt with. Another girl that loved his charm. I was no one special ...

"I don't know. What do you recommend?"

"Strawberry banana. It's my favourite."

He nods as his lips curve into a smile. "Then that's what I'll get."

"Do you want a protein shot in it?"

"No thanks, I'd rather have you meet me at the movies across the street tonight at seven."


"You heard me."

I couldn't even react. He was asking me out? Get real. His drink came and I slid it over to him as he paid for it. "You're crazy, Toews."

"Fine, turn me down. You'll regret it." He smugly replied before taking a sip of his smoothie.

I just laughed and watched him walk away. I had a funny feeling it was going to be one big game of cat and mouse this summer.